6/18/12

Writings from 6/18/12

I know that I should have gotten to writing earlier today, but it was quite a hectic and upsetting day. I was woken up at 3:30 AM for court, and told to pack my stuff. I was finally getting out of Philadelphia. I got my tray of grits and potatoes around 4:45 and then went to receiving. We sat there until 8:30 AM. After a few more pickups at the other jails on State Road, we were on our way to Norristown, for my bench warrant hearing. The ride was extremely uncomfortable, but I was in good spirits. One of the sheriffs said to me, "You're just a bench warrant, you will probably be getting out today." I was elated, and immediately began to form plans in my mind about leaving the Norristown courthouse. 

However, that didn't even come close to happening. I got there and was put into a cell with another guy who was picked up that morning over a child support warrant. We got to talking while trying to stay warm in that ridiculously cold holding cell. I ate three mystery meat sandwiches, and before I knew it, I was being led into a courtroom. To be short, I fucked up. I told the truth about why I missed court, which I probably shouldn't have. This meant telling the judge that I was homeless. I should have just said that I was to resume living at my house, but I froze. Then, the judge gave me a $5000 cash bail. My heart and soul basically died. It was a feeling that I had never really felt before, and is extremely hard to explain. It was a mix of panic, confusion, anger, hopelessness. Looks like that month that I had prepared in my mind as the worst case scenario was going to be trumped. Who knows when I'll get out now.

So, off to MCCF. The bus ride wasn't bad. At least we got to listen to some music. I couldn't help but feeling that this ride would be my last time seeing the real world for a little while. We passed by Wawa, and I took notice of all the signage. I wanted to run in and get some Newports. But no, not today. Not this month, lucky if by my birthday. So, while listening to the music, I began to feel as if this were my new existence. 

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That was a really short entry, but with reason. I couldn't really accept the situation that I was put in. I couldn't believe that my bail would be even higher than it was in Philly, and I didn't know how things worked. I was pretty sure that nobody would call a bail bondsman for me to bail me out, so this was the beginning of the awful waiting game, as will be detailed in upcoming posts.

6/17/12

Actual writings for 6/17/12

Well, yet another new day has come. I was able to sleep until they were serving breakfast, which was nice. I had some crazy dream last night, though. The most realistic one was the one in which I was trying to hide from the warrant squad at my house. I was sneaking around the yard as different cops came and went. I finally made it inside my house to try to hide somewhere, but they came in and found me. I also vaguely recall a dream about a party. I was with my parents, and there was alcohol for days (not really all that exciting to me). In another one, it was a retail store setting again. I don't really know why these have been so prevalent, or maybe I do...

Okay, so when I first became "homeless" for real, on May 1st, everything had to change. I had no more Dani, no more car, no more help. The first of May, I called John H. He came up to Phoenixville, and traded in some of the DVDs that I had. Eventually, I ended up in Brookhaven, which was a bit uncomfortable. So, I had enough money to make it to 30th Street Station.

I caught the bus to the mall, and then the one to 69th Street Terminal, and caught the MFL to 30th Street. I decided to walk towards Drexel. Somehow I convinced the security guard at the front that I was still a student, and somehow manage to talk my way into the library. The best part is that it was midterm week, and the library was open 24 hours. I stayed in the library for the entire week, stealing food from Wawa and 7-11, and selling clothes at Buffalo Exchange to get some cash. My days consisted of going to different stores, getting items, and selling them. This worked out for awhile, actually. After some time, they told me that they couldn't keep buying all of the stuff I was bringing in. Around this same time, it was no longer really possible to continue to stay at Drexel (I think they figured out what was going on). This is around the time that I met Carlos.

Carlos was walking down the street with a few guys when he saw me panhandling late one night. He gave me a couple dollars, and then I joined everybody in conversation. Once his company left, he invited me to stay at his place. He told me that I could have a place to lay down and take a shower and whatnot (which I hadn't in over a week probably). He was an older gay guy, but I didn't feel threatened in that sense. He lived down around Broad and Federal.

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Okay, back to my writing. Somebody had borrowed the pen for a couple hours, so I've just been reading "My Name Is Asher Lev" all day. Its a pretty interesting book, which I didn't expect. I have already reached page 237 today, and I am a very slow reader usually. This is mainly because I haven't really even left my cell all day, and had no pen to write with. Reading was really my only option. It has certainly helped pass the time, as darkness is about to fall outside. I am happy to be so close to Monday now. I have a good feeling that something will happen tomorrow. Whether it be seeing a doctor, social worker, or getting transferred, it doesn't matter to me. Any one of those things would be an enormous help for my mental well being. The doctor could put me on some meds to calm me down, the social worker could tell me what the hell is going on, and getting transferred obviously means that I'm one step closer to getting out of jail. At the very least, WB will help me call and see what's holding me here. I did give CO Grimes a staff request slip, so I'm hopeful that I can see a social worker.

So, back to Carlos. He was a really nice dude. All we really did all day was smoke Tina and watch either a movie or Twilight Zone episodes on DVD. Then the second day I'm staying with him, he invites this guy Paul over. Paul is a bit ridiculous. He comes over and just starts throwing money around, literally. He gives me $80 and buys me a carton of Newports for no real reason, other than to show that he has money. I would have continued to talk to him, but I didn't want to upset Carlos.

After about four days, Carlos is told that he has ten days to leave his room because he hasn't paid his rent. That's my signal to leave. He was able to lend me $5, which I regrettably never paid back (I used it to get high, of course), and this is when I'm back out on the streets. What I'm neglecting to mention is how I was buying dope during these few days. The $80 covered a couple days. But, I also took some of the change scattered around the apartment (which I'm not proud of).

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That is all that I wrote while locked up. So, continuing on, I have actually contacted Carlos since being out of jail. I was hoping he could give me a haircut, because he is really good. However, I just buzzed my hair myself two days ago, so maybe once it grows out a little bit more. It was very kind of him to give me a safe place to stay for awhile. Its my understanding that he's basically homeless, and stays somewhere for $20 or so a night.

This part of the story takes place around Mother's Day, because I remember calling my mom, and being in tears trying to tell her how sorry I was. I actually had that Paul guy buy a card for me to send to her, but I never got around to sending it out, because I was too busy worrying about getting high. I'm sure there are some other things that I'm neglecting to mention, but that's all I can really think of for now.

6/16/12

6/16/12:

This day took up about three full pages.

It took a little bit longer than I had hoped, but I was finally able to get some sleep last night. What people said about the roaches was true. I turned on the light at one point and saw them all scattering. They weren't big, but I still think that kept me up for a little bit subconsciously. 

Today already started out well. Breakfast was Cheerios and a hard boiled egg, which was fine by me. But then, to make things even better, the guys came by to give me another tray. I'm beginning to feel a little more relaxed about my situation. I got extra bread as well. My biggest problem with this whole situation has mostly been that I have felt underfed. Maybe I won't have to worry as much about that being over here. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but not quite as bad as it did.

That being said, I am a little frustrated at not being able to get out of the cell this morning. I just appreciate any kind of change of scenery. And as I sit here writing this, for one reason or another, I think of Ann. I wonder if she has been thinking about me. I like to believe that she would have been my girl under different circumstances. Now that some time has passed, I may try to contact her. I'm not sure whether to show up at her work (whenever I get out of here, that is), or write a letter and hope for a response. I know the latter is more responsible, but I don't feel like it would satisfy my desire.

I'm reading a book in here by Andrew Klavan called "Darling Clementine". This book is strange and perverse, but its at least an interesting read. Not something that I would pick out, but better than nothing. Its like my free jail version of "50 Shades of Gray". I've also been reading a lot of the religious material around here. I'm not sure if it means anything or not, but I'm trying to keep an open mind while I am in here. I also think I'm going to start exercising a slight bit more (I despise working out) and I'm going to try to meditate. I'm considering reading the Koran out of curiosity, but I think I'll finish my book first. As for now, its just after breakfast, we are still locked in, I might shut my eyes for a little.

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I think I slept for about an hour or half an hour. Could have been five minutes. I figured I'd write a little more to pass some time. I've started having dreams again over the past couple of nights. I had one last night where I was buying clothes, and Riley was actually in it. At one point I was with my sister as well. Being so distant from my friends and family is really hurting me right now, but thanks to Earl's visit yesterday, I know that I'm not completely alone when I get out of here. All I've wanted since I can remember is to love and to be loved. It sounds simple enough, but once I start feeling like its not going my way, I turn to the drugs again. This time, I'm going to deal with my emotions without the interference of drugs.

I have found myself making mental comparisons of this situation to rehab. I try to tell myself that I did 15 days at Keystone, this is day 9 in jail, I can handle it. This is somewhat true, but there are huge differences. First, rehab feeds you a lot more, though I always remember being hungry in there, too. Secondly, I disliked rehab because after detox, you were locked out of your room all day. However, I dislike being here because you have to stay in your call all day. I guess that's just the most obvious display of "the grass is always greener". Other than that, the two places aren't all that much different, except more females at rehab. In all honesty, I don't think I will go to rehab after this. I figure staying with Earl, I can just get right into meetings, and I can have his help throughout the beginning at least. I would have preferred to go to treatment before all of this, but knowing what I know now, and already feeling better off of the dope, I have faith that I can make this work this time. I've said it all before, but that was then, before the Philadelphia Prison System. I am making a solemn vow to God, to my friends, family, but mostly to myself, to never come near incarceration again.

All of the sudden, my thoughts start racing again. One second I'm thinking about the Shawshank Redemption, the next about art, but then comes something interesting on the phone the other day. Joey told me that he and Matt have been drinking. Matt has/had three years clean recently. In a completely self serving way, this news made me happy. But it also leaves me with more thoughts to expand on.

As a friend, is it better to be concerned about this sudden change in behavior? Joey is obviously encouraging it, and they seem to be making out alright. But I'm fully aware of my sick thinking. I'm happy to hear about it because it means that I'm not the only fuck up. And maybe to him this isn't fucking up. Which leads me even deeper and darker into my mind. I want him to use again. Not as a friend, but as the exact opposite. I'm tired of being demonized for everything that I do. I would love somebody to help lighten the load on my back. I love Matt, but he did treat me like shit recently, rather than try to help. I don't blame him or anything like that, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him slip up. Had he stuck by me, I would be a concerned friend. As it is now, however, I'm the voyeur watching from the sidelines, waiting for him to say "fuck it" and go get high.

At least now that I've finally moved to a real block, I have more options. There are books, and Duc has a pen so I can write, and he has already given me an overly generous amount of his food. I can hear the frustration of the other inmates about being locked in all morning, but surprisingly I'm not presently feeling too bothered about the situation. I do hope to get out at some point today though, because I want to call Joey and take a shower.

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Well, I managed to at least get a shower. I'll probably try the phone later, if I try it at all. As for right now, I'm anxiously awaiting the next two meals of the day. One of which should be within an hour. I guess the nonstop appetite has probably less to do with the food here than I'll admit. I probably eat just as much here as compared to when I'm on the street, but no drugs or cigarettes means no appetite suppression. Also, I could eat at any time out there, like before going to sleep. Its much easier to sleep when your stomach is full. I think I'm going to read until lunch.

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Lunch was a success. The guys must like Duc (and hopefully me as well), because they gave us four trays. Although it wasn't the best lunch (white rice with some kind of yellow chicken sauce), at least I got a more than ample amount. My stomach is about as content as it has been since being arrested. I also accumulated four more pieces of bread and two juice packs. Its a shame how little and simple this seems, but its a huge deal in here.

Well, they just opened up the block. Not very exciting really. Tried to call Joey but got no answer, so I just found my way back to my cell.

It is finally dark outside, as another day comes to a close. In a bit of a surprise, the day went by very quickly. My appetite is curved for the moment, and I am about as positive as I can be about my predicament. I was told that we get to shave tomorrow. 90% of me is all over that, while the other 10% of me wants to keep on growing the facial hair. I'm pretty sure that the 90% will win out in this case.

On another note, I still haven't gotten any official confirmation as to why I am still here. I'll let tomorrow slide most likely, but I'm definitely going to talk to somebody on Monday. Its beyond crazy, not knowing why you are being held in a jail. I feel like I just got lost in the shuffle. Its my belief that Montgomery County wanted to come pick me up, but the whole Philly process took so long that they probably forgot all about it. I'm holding onto the fantasy of being free this coming week, but some people in here think it may not be all that fantastical. To be honest, now that I"m actually on a block, things are a lot easier.

Believe it or not, I just played 3 games of chess. I won the first miraculously, but then played like an asshole on the second two. Its okay though, I don't see myself really playing anymore. I wish I had something sweet to much on. Then I could go to sleep happy for a change. At least I can hope for the same sugar and Cheerios combo in the morning. After dinner is always the worst. They do breakfast around 9, lunch around 2, and dinner around 4! It makes no sense. Push the lunch up and the 4 o'clock dinner doesn't seem so bad. But it seems ridiculous eating two hours after lunch.

Intro & 6/15/12

I'm creating this blog specifically for retyping everything that I wrote while in jail. The feelings may not be accurate anymore, as the hopelessness has since faded now that I'm back in the world, but at the time, this was how I felt. I just wanted to clarify that before proceeding. I don't remember everything that I wrote, but I will try my best not to edit anything, for reasons of embarrassment or otherwise. The story begins on 6-15-12. I didn't write much towards the end, so I will try to remember anything I can.

My actual writings.

6/15/12:
So, I have been in jail for just over a week now, but this was really the first time I've gotten to use a pen. I guess I'll try to go through some of the events chronologically, so I can have a reference point to write more about them later, and then focus on today. Rather than write it all out, I'll make an abbreviated list:

Fri, 6/8/12 - Go to buy 10 bags of dope for John at 11:00 AM, and am stopped by the police on Huntingdon, searched, arrested, brought to 24th/25th district. Stay all day, it's very cold.
Sat, 6/9/12 - Am given ROR bail for the possession charge in the early A.M., but am held for warrants, and transported to CFCF at 3:30 AM. Sit in intake all day, dope sick.
Sun, 6/10/12 - Transferred to B-3 around 2:00 PM, first time having a hot "meal" since Thursday afternoon, which is also the last time I used.
Mon, 6/11/12 - Not much happens. I meet somebody named Mike from Parkside, and we know a lot of the same people. He gets to leave once he signs his own unsecured bail. I'm jealous.
Tues, 6/12/12 - Bench warrant hearing, $2,500 with 10%. First call to Joey, he says nobody will bail me out for the $270, which doesn't sit well with me, turns out not to matter anyway. OKC wins, and my celly watches the second half of the game from the chair inside our cell, looking out.
Wed, 6/13/12 - Woken at 3:30 AM to sign my bail. Thought I would leave, but am transferred to the House of Corrections instead. Put on the medical block with about forty other people, and it's hard to sleep.
Thurs, 6/14/12 - See somebody with behavioral health, and not much else. The kid in the bed next to mine gives me one of his anti-seizure meds, and I get to sleep well for the first time. Miami heat wins, guys on the block hassling a CO about her shoes, pretty funny.

So this brings me fairly and squarely to June 15th, 2012. It's supposedly perfect weather today, but I can't really differentiate the days through the barred off windows. Every day is the same in here. It's just another day that I have to watch all of these fucking commercials on TV and not be able to buy any of the delicious food that I see.

Today started out alright, though. I got an actual full night of sleep, which I hadn't managed until now. Breakfast was brought up to the block for us, oatmeal and potatoes. I even got three glasses of orange juice, so it worked out better than going to the chow hall. Less of a workout for my underfed body, as well.

I've been trying to get the CO to find out what is holding me in this jail. I called the Records line and they said that I had no warrants or detainers. I know that this is incorrect, so I'll try to call again tomorrow to see if I can get an answer. I just want to know what my next step is, that's all. 
Today was my best day yet for many reasons. The most important: an unexpected visit. Earl came to visit me, and calmed me down a lot. John knew that something must have happened to me, and got a hold of Earl. So, Earl even has my backpack, wallet, and all of my stuff that I figured I would never see again, which is a relief in itself. He also told me that when I got out, provided I stay clean, I have a place to live. This is amazing news, but also makes me even more anxious to get out. He tells me to plan on a month, which I think sounds way too long, but I have no control. I'm actually hoping that something happens over the weekend.

I got moved to G-1 tonight, and my celly is a really cool Vietnamese guy named Duc. He gave me two juices, crackers, and ramen noodles within a few minutes of meeting him. He seems to be a nice guy, and we related on him working in Chester. He's trying to sleep right now, so I'm going to cut this out for the night.