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| This day took up about three full pages. |
It took a little bit longer than I had hoped, but I was finally able to get some sleep last night. What people said about the roaches was true. I turned on the light at one point and saw them all scattering. They weren't big, but I still think that kept me up for a little bit subconsciously.
Today already started out well. Breakfast was Cheerios and a hard boiled egg, which was fine by me. But then, to make things even better, the guys came by to give me another tray. I'm beginning to feel a little more relaxed about my situation. I got extra bread as well. My biggest problem with this whole situation has mostly been that I have felt underfed. Maybe I won't have to worry as much about that being over here. Don't get me wrong, it still sucks, but not quite as bad as it did.
That being said, I am a little frustrated at not being able to get out of the cell this morning. I just appreciate any kind of change of scenery. And as I sit here writing this, for one reason or another, I think of Ann. I wonder if she has been thinking about me. I like to believe that she would have been my girl under different circumstances. Now that some time has passed, I may try to contact her. I'm not sure whether to show up at her work (whenever I get out of here, that is), or write a letter and hope for a response. I know the latter is more responsible, but I don't feel like it would satisfy my desire.
I'm reading a book in here by Andrew Klavan called "Darling Clementine". This book is strange and perverse, but its at least an interesting read. Not something that I would pick out, but better than nothing. Its like my free jail version of "50 Shades of Gray". I've also been reading a lot of the religious material around here. I'm not sure if it means anything or not, but I'm trying to keep an open mind while I am in here. I also think I'm going to start exercising a slight bit more (I despise working out) and I'm going to try to meditate. I'm considering reading the Koran out of curiosity, but I think I'll finish my book first. As for now, its just after breakfast, we are still locked in, I might shut my eyes for a little.
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I think I slept for about an hour or half an hour. Could have been five minutes. I figured I'd write a little more to pass some time. I've started having dreams again over the past couple of nights. I had one last night where I was buying clothes, and Riley was actually in it. At one point I was with my sister as well. Being so distant from my friends and family is really hurting me right now, but thanks to Earl's visit yesterday, I know that I'm not completely alone when I get out of here. All I've wanted since I can remember is to love and to be loved. It sounds simple enough, but once I start feeling like its not going my way, I turn to the drugs again. This time, I'm going to deal with my emotions without the interference of drugs.
I have found myself making mental comparisons of this situation to rehab. I try to tell myself that I did 15 days at Keystone, this is day 9 in jail, I can handle it. This is somewhat true, but there are huge differences. First, rehab feeds you a lot more, though I always remember being hungry in there, too. Secondly, I disliked rehab because after detox, you were locked out of your room all day. However, I dislike being here because you have to stay in your call all day. I guess that's just the most obvious display of "the grass is always greener". Other than that, the two places aren't all that much different, except more females at rehab. In all honesty, I don't think I will go to rehab after this. I figure staying with Earl, I can just get right into meetings, and I can have his help throughout the beginning at least. I would have preferred to go to treatment before all of this, but knowing what I know now, and already feeling better off of the dope, I have faith that I can make this work this time. I've said it all before, but that was then, before the Philadelphia Prison System. I am making a solemn vow to God, to my friends, family, but mostly to myself, to never come near incarceration again.
All of the sudden, my thoughts start racing again. One second I'm thinking about the Shawshank Redemption, the next about art, but then comes something interesting on the phone the other day. Joey told me that he and Matt have been drinking. Matt has/had three years clean recently. In a completely self serving way, this news made me happy. But it also leaves me with more thoughts to expand on.
As a friend, is it better to be concerned about this sudden change in behavior? Joey is obviously encouraging it, and they seem to be making out alright. But I'm fully aware of my sick thinking. I'm happy to hear about it because it means that I'm not the only fuck up. And maybe to him this isn't fucking up. Which leads me even deeper and darker into my mind. I want him to use again. Not as a friend, but as the exact opposite. I'm tired of being demonized for everything that I do. I would love somebody to help lighten the load on my back. I love Matt, but he did treat me like shit recently, rather than try to help. I don't blame him or anything like that, but that doesn't mean I don't want to see him slip up. Had he stuck by me, I would be a concerned friend. As it is now, however, I'm the voyeur watching from the sidelines, waiting for him to say "fuck it" and go get high.
At least now that I've finally moved to a real block, I have more options. There are books, and Duc has a pen so I can write, and he has already given me an overly generous amount of his food. I can hear the frustration of the other inmates about being locked in all morning, but surprisingly I'm not presently feeling too bothered about the situation. I do hope to get out at some point today though, because I want to call Joey and take a shower.
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Well, I managed to at least get a shower. I'll probably try the phone later, if I try it at all. As for right now, I'm anxiously awaiting the next two meals of the day. One of which should be within an hour. I guess the nonstop appetite has probably less to do with the food here than I'll admit. I probably eat just as much here as compared to when I'm on the street, but no drugs or cigarettes means no appetite suppression. Also, I could eat at any time out there, like before going to sleep. Its much easier to sleep when your stomach is full. I think I'm going to read until lunch.
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Lunch was a success. The guys must like Duc (and hopefully me as well), because they gave us four trays. Although it wasn't the best lunch (white rice with some kind of yellow chicken sauce), at least I got a more than ample amount. My stomach is about as content as it has been since being arrested. I also accumulated four more pieces of bread and two juice packs. Its a shame how little and simple this seems, but its a huge deal in here.
Well, they just opened up the block. Not very exciting really. Tried to call Joey but got no answer, so I just found my way back to my cell.
It is finally dark outside, as another day comes to a close. In a bit of a surprise, the day went by very quickly. My appetite is curved for the moment, and I am about as positive as I can be about my predicament. I was told that we get to shave tomorrow. 90% of me is all over that, while the other 10% of me wants to keep on growing the facial hair. I'm pretty sure that the 90% will win out in this case.
On another note, I still haven't gotten any official confirmation as to why I am still here. I'll let tomorrow slide most likely, but I'm definitely going to talk to somebody on Monday. Its beyond crazy, not knowing why you are being held in a jail. I feel like I just got lost in the shuffle. Its my belief that Montgomery County wanted to come pick me up, but the whole Philly process took so long that they probably forgot all about it. I'm holding onto the fantasy of being free this coming week, but some people in here think it may not be all that fantastical. To be honest, now that I"m actually on a block, things are a lot easier.
Believe it or not, I just played 3 games of chess. I won the first miraculously, but then played like an asshole on the second two. Its okay though, I don't see myself really playing anymore. I wish I had something sweet to much on. Then I could go to sleep happy for a change. At least I can hope for the same sugar and Cheerios combo in the morning. After dinner is always the worst. They do breakfast around 9, lunch around 2, and dinner around 4! It makes no sense. Push the lunch up and the 4 o'clock dinner doesn't seem so bad. But it seems ridiculous eating two hours after lunch.
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